Updated: Feb 4
Since the beginning of our twin flame journey, sensuality and sexuality have played a very strong role in my life, both in how we as twin flames live out our sexual life (which is beyond anything either of us have experienced on a human level) and it is bringing to me my feminine empowerment through the sexual energy. I feel that our future mission may be with tantra, the use of sexual energy for healing and empowerment. I felt drawn therefore to look back on my sexual life up to my twin flame union, in order to see how my journey has changed since our union, and where it may take us.
Here then, is a brief summary, I guess, as a lead up to future blog posts in order to put you in the picture of my journey.
I guess from the age of a teenager I was very naïve about sex. I didn’t have my first sexual encounter until I was 21 and that was with my then husband to-be, at University.
The first major boyfriend I had at 16, had little sex in it, just the odd petting, however I was told off by my parents for laying down with him on my bed, even if we were just talking and fully clothed. Anything sexual seemed to be quickly frowned upon, my parents being too fearful that I might be ‘led down the path’.
I remember at about the age of 18, my then boyfriend tried to release his cock from his jeans, and I told him no, please don’t do that. It almost scared me. I was naïve and so unsexual.
The first time I had sex, with my ex-husband to be, was at the age of 21. I too was his first lover, so you can imagine that both of us being totally inexperienced, it wasn’t fireworks! I didn’t know my body at all, and basically most of my married sex life was less than thrilling, I think I actually had orgasms less than 10 times in 20 years with him, and the rest I faked. I didn’t know what I liked or how to enjoy my body, even though I masturbated, so in a way I did know, but not how to ask for what I liked or how my body reacted to another person's touch. We had the occasional adventure with another couple, and to me that was the only excitement, and a way of bringing the thrill back.
Post-divorce I went on to have quite a few relationships and adventures, I was finally living what I had I missed during my teenage years. I even made myself have a one-night stand to get over the image of myself of being a prude, and that made me feel in control and able to walk away with no attachments. Those early adventures helped me to discover the joy of sex for the first time. I realised that men actually liked my curvy body, after 20 years of being told to lose weight, or to hold my stomach in during sex... They came to be a discovery about myself.
In all, I had about 10 main relationships along with a few other adventures. Looking back however, I now see just how much I was there for the pleasure of the man. I always made sure THEY were happy, they got what they wanted in a way. I also worried that they would get bored during oral sex, as it would take me time to get to climax point, which I now know is normal, but at the time I felt that I was so slow, mainly because men seemed to wanted me to hurry up as they were obviously always ready. I would tell them to stop or I would fake it, just to hurry things along so I didn't have to keep them waiting. I allowed men to play out their desires on me, accepting it so that they could be satisfied, at least then I could relax after, and not be under pressure to have an orgasm.
Men were attracted to my light, my smile, my joyfulness and my curvy body. They would see me as the perfect woman, and so I would accept their offer of a relationship, giving me the feeling of being liked, loved or desired. ,Further on into the relationships, however, my light would blind them, bringing up their shadows, and so they would begin to blame me for my positive outlook, or being too spiritual. I would be blamed for their mood, or for creating an argument, my light shone in their darkness, which aggravated them, I now see that I was blamed for anything in order to dampen down my light.
Paradoxically, I guess in comparison with my situation, I had a high sex drive, I craved sensuality, One of the men I dated hated kissing and we only had sex once (Pretty sure he was gay), which of course was the exact opposite to me and what I loved, as if I was being shown it for a purpose. I had another who wanted me to play out fantasies, however, even if the thought of it turned me on (we never did do them), it was more about HIS pleasure than ours, and thank goodness we never did play these out as he had some dark energy about him (which took me months to shift after I left him),
Looking back on all this, I see just how much my feminine power was taken away from me, or crushed, even. Maybe, I didn’t know HOW to use this power, what it was, and as such, I was simply taken over by the masculine.
Having my feminine power lowered, affected me in all areas of life, I feel. It decreased my self empowerment, my value, how I saw myself and stopped me from expressing myself fully. Our feminine power is the essence of who we are as a woman in this world and so with this diminished, so is our voice to the world. Looking back on my life I see how healing this wound is so vital, as you will see in future posts.
It was only during my last relationship that I realised HOW to find pleasure, how men aren't bored giving oral sex, that they love it, and I was encouraged to think of ME first, to concentrate on MY pleasure first, whilst also pleasuring my partner. He was preparing me for my divine partner...
to be continued in part 2...